Hello dear readers,
I have been amazed and delighted at the response this blog has received today and decided, inspired as I am by that to attempt to write something every day on here. I cannot guarantee it will be inspired writing, but you all have inspired me to continue. That and the idea that if this is about the process of transition, then really I should somehow comment from day to day to give as accurate as possible a picture of what that is.
Some details...if you are reading and this is the first blog post you are coming to, you should start with the first one, as they will build on each other and there's lots of information. Also, there is some problem with the comment function that Google assure us they are 'aware of and are trying to fix' so after asking you all to join in and comment, you couldn't...so instead I got a lot of amazing emails today. Which is great, but probably would be best for a conversation to ensue, so here's hoping it gets fixed soon.
Today was mostly about getting the word out about the blog and wondering if this process will eat my writing project. We'll see. Hopefully not. I'm hoping they will feed into each other...
But as I suspected many of you are in some form of transition yourselves or resonate with the idea somehow...and the many ways I heard of today include: becoming a mother and dealing with all the ideas and realities attendant with that...going from being incredibly angry with someone to waking up after a 'day of solo rage' to realize the anger had disappeared, somehow burnt out...and also something to do with climate change.
I am thinking right now of the transition from having a fixed identity as 'Artistic Director' of a theatre company, one that I founded, and then suddenly that's gone (April 2011). Also, having been a PhD student and that project finishes (December 2009), the death of my father and the finding of this new family and name. But as these are all big, and the one I feel I dealt with the least in the last post has to do with the theatre company, I will meditate on that for a short while.
First of all, I disbanded a theater company in NYC in the 1990s, so I have a sense of deja vu. But that company had involved my now ex-husband and so there were many dynamics at play there. In this case, I only have myself to blame (and a good thing that is!) Also Apocryphal emerged from a lab in London...In New York, I created a lab in lieu of the last company...well it started as part of the company but survived it and became just the group of us, with me directing it.
In both cases of running a company I made the same mistake: taking on too much administrative responsibility, not delegating enough and basically being process-based in theory but control freak in fact...then feeling sorry for myself. great. This did not have a future. The work itself was collaborative but in the end the decisions were mine. This was a known thing, but still there were irreconcilable tensions in this set up. This plus how hard it is to fund a small lab-based theatre company anywhere, but especially in the UK or US. And the fact I love directing and writing but I truly hate producing.
So, I find myself, suddenly without a fixed identity. I am not a 'PhD student' or an 'Artistic Director' who can point to the company website as if that will explain my entire life. It worked surprisingly well - pointing to the web site. People would look at it and be very impressed. I got work from that and wrote my PhD based on the work we did.
And now all that's gone. Well, no it's not. The work is not gone. I am not gone, nor is anyone who worked with Apocryphal in London, the labs in NYC or Monkey Wrench before that. It's actually a cumulative process. But there is no short-hand for it now...
And I am aware that I am getting incredibly tired so need to sign off now. Just want to quote though my dear new/old Great Uncle Ed, so give you an idea of why I am so amazed at finding my new Hungarian-Slovak family:
"Thankyou for the e-mail of May 24TH, 2011. Our Family will be waiting with great joy for your visit on the 17th and you can count on it that it will a great pleasure for ME AND FAMILY to WELCOME you I look forward to escorting you around our town so you will get to know where our lives began, andyou to see where and how we lived, all sides of our family tree. You will be adding that SPECIAL MOMENT in our lives. We have much Joy looking to the day you arrive. God Bless You, Again, you have made it a grest day for me."
How can I not be moved by this? How welcome can anyone be? How totally unlike anything I ever experienced as a child is this? It's breath-taking...
And finally, where were these people? They were taken from me by US paranoia about 'Reds' and my grandfather's job working on the Manhattan Project as an executive secretary. I don't think the name change alone did it and I don't know if I'll ever find out the true story, but it makes me beyond sad and also makes me cry with joy (and I mean cry like for a long time...) that I found at least some of them before they all died.
Blessings abound...tomorrow, if you're really lucky, you'll get to hear about my Last Therapy Session.