This 5-week intensive teaching business is exhausting - and sneaking in a few other things like meeting other people about, well, more teaching and strategies for new artistic work...
Went to see a piece of theater and had to leave half way through because so tired and frankly it wasn't that good but is such a worthy project I will remain silent about it.
Writing here just to say this mostly, and that even with all that, every once in a while I get a thrilled kind of: hell, yeah, I'm here, feeling. Especially when walking with my friend Nanette through the neighborhood, or just casually seeing some friends or realizing how many options I have in reality.
And other moments there is the excruciating loneliness that only those who have separated from spouses will understand. It is not like just breaking up with someone, it's worse. And no matter how happy I am to be here and how exciting it can be, at night at various times a kind of emptiness overtakes me that is very profound. Especially as this is the Second time I've gone through this, the emptiness is tinged with a sense of: oh, no, not Again...
So, in case anyone, including me, thought I could outrun this feeling, no, I can't. I wish so many things but none of them can happen as certain things can never happen again and certain actions, well all actions really, are unretrievable. That plus getting older and the baby-making possibility now looking like it simply can't happen, adds another level to the grieving.
And then, I just have to get up in the middle of this over and over again and teach interpersonal communications, which is pretty dark humorously funny when you think about it.
There is a woman who teaches where I do who to focus on raising her daughter started teaching in lieu of continuing her own acting career and instilled in this daughter enough confidence that she, the daughter, now wants to go to LA to try to make it as an actress. She - my colleague - said she did not have that level of confidence when she setting out, so she has big hopes for her daughter, because she is talented And confident.
I think my colleague is a hero. She put her daughter first, gave her something she did not receive herself and is willing to watch her go away from something 'more secure' to pursue her dream.
I'm so impressed with people like her. More and more, I believe these are the real heros in this world, more than the glittery, showy, recognized types. These folks work quietly, persistently, anonymously and give their love to at least one other person above themselves.
To all of you, my deepest gratitude, love and respect.
Me, I'm just doing my little teaching bit and pray that I find the time and energy to go back to my own work soon, which I need soon to feed my own soul - and hopefully offering something to the universal soup...though I still feel being here in NYC - for all this exhaustion and discombobulation - is the right thing, because when I do get started I will know I am in the right place and that will make all the difference.
Plus, it's my own adventure and even if it feels really lonely at times, it's mine. This is a big deal. I embrace that, too, along with the painful bits. Underneath it all, I feel quite good. It's so weird.
Will attempt sleep again even with 'active' upstairs neighbors...
Welcome to my blog..
"We struggle with dream figures and our blows fall on living faces." Maurice Merleau-Ponty
I am now transitioning into being married again with a new surname (Barclay-Morton). John is transitioning from Canada to NYC and as of June 2014 has a green card. So transition continues, but now from sad to happy, from loss to love...from a sense of alienation to a sense of being at home in the world.
As of September 2013 I started teaching writing as an adjunct professor at Fordham University, which I have discovered I love with an almost irrational passion. While was blessed for the opportunity, after four years of being an adjunct, the lack of pay combined with heavy work load stopped working, so have transferred this teaching passion to private workshops in NYC and working with writers one on one, which I adore. I will die a happy person if I never have to grade an assignment ever again. As of 2018, I also started leading writing retreats to my beloved Orkney Islands. If you ever want two weeks that will restore your soul and give you time and space to write, get in touch. I am leading two retreats this year in July and September.
I worked full time on the book thanks to a successful crowd-funding campaign in May 2014 and completed it at two residencies at Vermont Studio Center and Wisdom House in summer 2015. I have done some revisions and am shopping it around to agents and publishers now, along with a new book recently completed.
I now work full-time as a freelance writer, writing workshop leader, coach, editor and writing retreat leader. Contact me if you are interested in any of these services.
Not sure when transition ends, if it ever does. As the saying goes, the only difference between a sad ending and a happy ending is where you stop rolling the film.
For professional information, publications, etc., go to my linked in profile and website for Barclay Morton Editorial & Design. My Twitter account is @wilhelminapitfa. You can find me on Facebook under my full name Julia Lee Barclay-Morton. More about my grandmothers' book: The Amazing True Imaginary Autobiography of Dick & Jani
In 2017, I launched a website Our Grandmothers, Our Selves, which has stories about many people's grandmothers. Please check it out. You can also contact me through that site.
In May, I directed my newest play, On the edge of/a cure, and have finally updated my publications list, which now includes an award-winning chapbook of my short-story White shoe lady, which you can find on the sidebar. I also have become a certified yoga instructor in the Kripalu lineage. What a year!
And FINALLY, I have created a website, which I hope you will visit, The Unadapted Ones. I will keep this blog site up, since it is a record of over 8 years of my life, but will eventually be blogging more at the website, so if you want to know what I am up to with my writing, teaching, retreats and so on, the site is the place to check (and to subscribe for updates). After eight years I realized, no, I'm never turning into One Thing. So The Unadapted Ones embraces the multiplicity that comprises whomever I am, which seems to always be shifting. That may in fact be reality for everyone, but will speak for myself here. So, do visit there and thanks for coming here, too. Glad to meet you on the journey...
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