Attempting to shift gears

Woke up anxious today about piddly details and realized that this is another way I avoid my real feelings. This is the second anniversary of my father's death and this year decided to allow a day for this and not to railroad my feelings about it.  But I'm also beginning to wonder about that decision - namely, am I becoming as I have alluded to in other posts a professional griever.

I don't know is the answer to that question.  I do have a fairly good sense, especially after meditating this morning, that I have to be careful not to hold onto all this sorrow in the way the old joke goes: a guy comes up to another guy with an arrow in his back and asks if he wants help pulling it out.  And the guy with the arrow lodged in his back says "NO, don't touch it, it's my arrow."  I think there may be some of that in me...the arrow guy I mean.  Which is, well, embarrassing...but perhaps true.

I don't mean by saying this that grief has no role or I don't want to allow this day to unfold as it needs to, but once again I find myself facing the tricky issue of what is allowing in grief and what is holding onto it.

But the most important thing of all, and the hardest thing for me, is simply to be gentle with myself.  I find that close to impossible at certain times and yet I know if I'm constantly riding herd on my emotions, thoughts, actions, etc., no good will come of it.

Perhaps this is the gear shift that is most necessary and the one I need to pray for the most, because God/dess knows I can't do it myself.  I want to surrender my life completely to this sense I have a higher power or God or Whathaveyou, but there is this freaked out little child in me who won't let it happen.  I realize her idea of any power greater is ancient info from growing up with abusive/neglectful caretakers (parents, grandparents, babysitters, etc...) and that the only way I can allow myself to surrender is if I bring my inner adult with me because this little girl doesn't trust anyone and frankly for good reason.  But then again it's old information.

As I wrote about earlier, I now teach a class on interpersonal communications, and what I just described above would be considered in sociological terms: cognitive conservatism wherein the self-concept will not budge even when new information is at hand.  It's called acting on obsolete information.  Yah.  (I have inexplicably started typing in a Canadian accent...)

So my prayer these days is that I can let go of this obsolete information and allow myself the gift of trusting in the higher power/s that have in the past 25 years or so taken care of me, guided me through life I would probably not even be alive to experience otherwise.

I should add here though that the miscarriage I had the day after my marriage, and subsequent inability to conceive is something I have still not reconciled with any idea I have of a God/Higher Power.  That seemed particularly cruel and unnecessary and is what brought me eventually pouring over the Job story (that combined with other losses, etc.).  The fact is, as of now, I don't understand it - still - 4 1/2 years later.  Other than: it happened.  It reminds me of a great line Mary Karr quotes in (her astonishing book) Lit, via Emile Zola: "The road to Lourdes is littered with crutches, but not one wooden leg."

So, wooden leg and all, my day will include meeting with other folks who've been through a lot with less than perfect home lives, then meeting another friend for manicure/pedicure and dinner.  She like me has had a rough time recently and in the past, so am looking forward to the ease these kind of experiences can bring - not having to feel ashamed of my pain or my past.  Knowing I don't have to explain it either.  What a relief.  Speaking of which - again - a shout out to my friends who have helped me through so much, both close friends and friends of friends who I know through meetings.

My shoulders are hunched up in a way which signals a need to defend myself and not surrender, my body too acting off of obsolete information.  A prayer then too that I find a way to teach my physical self that it's safe in this world now, that I don't have to be on the lookout continually for predators and that not everyone and everything is a potential threat.  You wouldn't know that was my stance if you met me. I'm good at faking openness.  But look carefully at my shoulders and neck and there you will see the reality.  The physical self in the 'don't hit me/don't see me' tensed up posture.  OK, the openness is not all fake but nor is it total, not by a mile.

So, I probably should go back to yoga...I need a gently disciplining force to bring me back to class (which is where I planned to be right now but instead, as usual, find myself writing)...still, I think/pray/hope I'm getting closer to the light.  I feel like I've paid my dues in the dark spaces and perhaps now it's simply up to me to make the move out of that musty room - or at least have the willingness to pray for the help to do so.  At least I hope so.

Speaking of which I need to wrap this up so I can take a walk in the sunshine.  I've managed to miss daylight for the past two days because of staying up late, getting up late and working through to dark.  That alone can lead to depression - so I'm off - with blessings to all.