The Oscars, meditation and the Beauty of Not Being Young

Watching the Oscars tonight was good escapist fun and in case no one noticed, most of the awards went to films by or about countries outside the U.S., which is quite interesting...The Republicans will now hate Hollywood with even more bile than usual.

I have been sick now for so long this was precisely my speed.  Yep, I was crying along with winners who were crying, the whole nine.

I still have a very low fever that comes and goes, the coughing has been tamed by Mucenex (sp?) and I'm sick of being sick.  On the other hand, I have been able to venture from the house and go to a couple meetings, buy food and watch dumb television.  Sometimes, I can have conversations for about 20 minutes before voice starts failing again...

I managed to figure out my acting class for tomorrow evening and hoping I'll have the energy tomorrow to work out some stuff for classes Tuesday afternoon.  The lecture classes are the hardest, for obvious reasons, because my voice is so weak.

I go between worrying this thing isn't gone yet and then remembering how many people have had it for ages.  All I can do is what I'm doing...rest, drink lots of liquids and rest some more.

One of the interesting things about all this is the amount of time I have to allow certain feelings and ideas to settle.  The most important one being, as I wrote about a few posts ago, I've had a lot of earthquakes in my life the past couple of years and so need to allow time before I can plow ahead full steam in any direction.  This notion is only getting stronger and stronger while seeming more and more like a gift.

A time to let go of all the ideas I have of who I am - every single one - and see what comes back to me, if anything and, if those ideas aren't there taking up space, see what new ones may arrive or may have never had air space because I've been clinging to some fetid carcass of an idea to which I have been unduly loyal.

My mother tried to tell me about this family characteristic ages ago (circa 2000 when I was separated from husband number one) and I heard her words but was not as aware as I am now of How Tenaciously Loyal I can be to certain ideas, when they may not be useful anymore, relevant or anywhere in the realm of accuracy.  However, no matter what, I don't know which is which right now, because I've been grabbing at all the shreds of projects and ideas I had from before the earthquakes and wondering why they won't reassemble properly, as if all of them were so many Lego pieces that can be put back together on whatever surface and don't change shape.

In June I will be 49, which is 7 x 7.  I have heard many times that every seven years all of our cells have changed, so essentially (at least cellularly) we are different people.  If that is so, 7 x 7 should be powerful.  Because I am in my 49th year now, this may be part of what all this is about.

Meanwhile, I am grounding all this with meditation. My favorite Salzberg meditation these days is on thoughts themselves.  Naming them, so I see them but de-identify.  It's powerful stuff.  I did it last night when I couldn't sleep.  Still couldn't sleep and had to put on the radio (which was happily the BBC World Service, which we get here late at night - a godsend to insomniacs - evenly paced, interesting when awake but will put you to sleep...thank you BBC!)...but when awake could stop the racing thoughts by naming them.

It's kind of thrilling to be my age and feel as new to the world in some strange way as a much younger person, but - and this is the best part - without being So Young.  I know that sounds strange, because the cliche is that youth is wasted on the young, but it's not true.  You just can't be where I am when you're young.  It's impossible.  And that's OK.  For a while I kept thinking where I am now is where others are who grow up in so-called normal families are in their 20s or whatever, but no.

I know what I know because of everything I've been through, all the deeply stupid shit I have done (most of which was done stone cold sober - double dumb...but also because done sober - here's the paradox - I can learn from it) and the mistakes made, emotional hostages held (especially myself), false dependencies on others to tell me I'm OK in relationships or work, waiting for this or that to fix me, thinking anyone or anything can (nope), thinking I'm self-sufficient (double-nope) while depending on one other person (fan favorite)...etc.

Nope, all this and more...all the places I've been, the dumb words I've written, the less dumb words I've written, the shows I've directed for better or for worse, workshops and classes I've taught successful and not (usually both), the marriages that have failed for a million and one reasons, some of which had to do with me, some with the other person and most with stuff way beyond anyone's control...

All that is why I'm where I am now.  And no 21 year old could be here.  Not a chance.

On Saturday, I will be celebrating a very big anniversary for me, which I may or may not write about here, still considering.  But it's led me to see what I've done in the past 25 years and the fact is: it's kind of breathtaking how much life I've lived.  On that day I will perhaps outline this if for no other reason to show anyone reading this, that even if you need to live life without a drink or a drug, it does not have to be boring.

For now, though, to bed....in hopes one day I will wake up without the Cold-Flu-Bronchial-Thing-That-Won't-Leave....