After a marathon session yesterday (hence no blog post), I did no unpacking today, but instead went with a friend who had extra tickets to Relatively Speaking a Broadway show of one-acts by Ethan Cohen, Elaine May and Woody Allen. The real writer of the three playwrights - by a mile - is Elaine May. The other two pieces by Cohen and Allen were sophomoric (as in: if Cohen had written it at 14 it might be considered semi-precocious, clever comedy but for an adult - meh) and a series of one-liners justifying in retrospect his marrying of his step-daughter (Allen). Ha ha ha.
OK, so...was glad to see the Elaine May play. Also really glad the tickets were free and my friend Tamara and I agreed in our assessments of each piece. Marlo Thomas, btw, can still act (she was in the May play).
The surprise was later tonight after watching Downton Abbey (don't hate me - it's just weirdly compelling watching it now that I've left the UK - has a whole other feel to it - but more on that whole thing later in another post), was a documentary called The Woodmans, about the photographer Francesca Woodman, who killed herself at age 22 in 1981 and her parents and brother who are also all well-known artists.
I was so struck by the documentary for a number of reasons - the honesty of her parents, the whole family's devotion to art, but more than that, the way people talked about Francesca's work as if she would inevitably become famous when one of the many reasons she killed herself by walking off the top of a building in Soho was that she didn't get a stupid NEA grant. Obviously, that was not the only reason, but my point is it is obvious watching the film that her photos were/are amazing but that they are only Now being recognized, because what she was doing was so spectacularly ahead of her time.
The heartbreaking journal entries including her being harassed by her boyfriend late at night for not making real art ring so weirdly true to me (as I have had similar relationships with men at that age and even into my 20s and 30s - both romantic/partners and professors and so-called 'mentors'...). Seeing her work, it is so obviously a female language - I am not one to use that term lightly and in general despise it when others do...but here it is important, because I think that's why it was overlooked.
Apparently in the early 80s photography was not as big of a deal as it is now, which could also be true. But if you go look at her stuff you may see what I mean.
So, I take her death personally, even if clearly she had her own reasons and obviously many people have had these issues and not killed themselves.
It just makes me angry how long - in general - female artists have to wait to be recognized, to be SEEN or understood on the most basic level, because it's a different language, or can be. Or maybe it's just the way we present ourselves. The amount of conversations I have had recently with women about how we wish we had even a tiny ounce of male ego - the ability to easily justify one's own work and not take every criticism to heart or as gospel or to be defensive, etc. - is extraordinary. The ability to self-promote without shame. The ability to hold to a vision without the need to justify...etc., etc...
I'm not blaming men here, by the way, in case any of you are feeling that - no, I'm Admiring that about you and wish I had some of it! I do have some but not nearly enough...and certainly had none at age 19-20. There were so many things I was doing then artistically, theatrically and with writing (though some just needed to get better) but more importantly ideas and presentation...and directing...but I could not stand up for them. I had enough guts/ego/whatever to make work but not to push it forward the way I should/could have done. And if I had had any of those skills would be in a much better place today.
I know that probably sounds like self-pity, but I don't mean it that way - it's just a fact. I can see all the lines of thought - ideas - art I did not go down out of fear and kind of now wish I had.
I also have gone down some roads and had some success with it, but I have not developed these things as far as they could go, and so watch others pick up where I left off and get well-known for doing so, which is both somewhat gratifying and then incredibly frustrating.
These people are usually men.
So my prayer is: please god/dess who/what/ever you are...please allow me to own my own voice/path/ way and stop waiting in some weird cosmic lobby for permission. I have found my voice in many ways, but I need now to OWN it, which is different. It is ownership itself that is part of the problem actually - one way I don't tend towards naturally...I share this with many other women (and some men). So the language gets very confusing. Is it possible to OWN non-ownership, e.g.? You see where it can fall down...
However, seeing a documentary about someone who is now famous, but was not in her lifetime, because this weird machine basically killed her (that's how it appears in any case)...but then having eaten her alive decided to valorize her (no better artist than a dead one, naturally...), I am grateful for avoiding that fate, so far...
Not that I'm in any imminent danger of fame, mind you, but the eaten alive thing...I feel I've had some brushes with that...
I want to keep living, but along with that, I want to keep creating...I want to know before I die that I have put everything out on the table that I can and that I will have the guts to do that no matter what the reaction from others. I've talked a good game on that one, but not sure I've walked the talk. I don't think it's possible to not be affected at all, but I want to not be so easily influenced.
I think at least this is within my reach. All the other stuff about recognition is out of my hands anyway. Wish me luck...with that and finding a place for the 17 or so boxes of books and papers in my Rubik's cube of a studio apartment. I'm almost out of shelf space, so we're about to get down to nooks and crannies and shoving stuff into the closets.
Fun.
But then again putting my books where I want them and beginning to take ownership of this place is fun. There's the 'o' word again and no I don't mean orgasm, I mean 'ownership' - way more radical for women I think...in the way I mean it anyway (clearly I'm not talking about products...)
G'night and blessings to you all. I wish for you all ownership of your own voice in whatever form that may take, especially for the women, but including any men who need the encouragement - yes, I do believe gender is a construct, just like all the rest of reality, but it does not budge easily... inside or outside...
Welcome to my blog..
"We struggle with dream figures and our blows fall on living faces." Maurice Merleau-Ponty
I am now transitioning into being married again with a new surname (Barclay-Morton). John is transitioning from Canada to NYC and as of June 2014 has a green card. So transition continues, but now from sad to happy, from loss to love...from a sense of alienation to a sense of being at home in the world.
As of September 2013 I started teaching writing as an adjunct professor at Fordham University, which I have discovered I love with an almost irrational passion. While was blessed for the opportunity, after four years of being an adjunct, the lack of pay combined with heavy work load stopped working, so have transferred this teaching passion to private workshops in NYC and working with writers one on one, which I adore. I will die a happy person if I never have to grade an assignment ever again. As of 2018, I also started leading writing retreats to my beloved Orkney Islands. If you ever want two weeks that will restore your soul and give you time and space to write, get in touch. I am leading two retreats this year in July and September.
I worked full time on the book thanks to a successful crowd-funding campaign in May 2014 and completed it at two residencies at Vermont Studio Center and Wisdom House in summer 2015. I have done some revisions and am shopping it around to agents and publishers now, along with a new book recently completed.
I now work full-time as a freelance writer, writing workshop leader, coach, editor and writing retreat leader. Contact me if you are interested in any of these services.
Not sure when transition ends, if it ever does. As the saying goes, the only difference between a sad ending and a happy ending is where you stop rolling the film.
For professional information, publications, etc., go to my linked in profile and website for Barclay Morton Editorial & Design. My Twitter account is @wilhelminapitfa. You can find me on Facebook under my full name Julia Lee Barclay-Morton. More about my grandmothers' book: The Amazing True Imaginary Autobiography of Dick & Jani
In 2017, I launched a website Our Grandmothers, Our Selves, which has stories about many people's grandmothers. Please check it out. You can also contact me through that site.
In May, I directed my newest play, On the edge of/a cure, and have finally updated my publications list, which now includes an award-winning chapbook of my short-story White shoe lady, which you can find on the sidebar. I also have become a certified yoga instructor in the Kripalu lineage. What a year!
And FINALLY, I have created a website, which I hope you will visit, The Unadapted Ones. I will keep this blog site up, since it is a record of over 8 years of my life, but will eventually be blogging more at the website, so if you want to know what I am up to with my writing, teaching, retreats and so on, the site is the place to check (and to subscribe for updates). After eight years I realized, no, I'm never turning into One Thing. So The Unadapted Ones embraces the multiplicity that comprises whomever I am, which seems to always be shifting. That may in fact be reality for everyone, but will speak for myself here. So, do visit there and thanks for coming here, too. Glad to meet you on the journey...
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Oh yes! They call it "opportunity costs". I know it well. Try living with an elephant's head sometime!
ReplyDeleteAside from that, from my perspective as god (yes, I know one of many, but still GOD) I see you are speaking truth to power, and that is essential to opportunity.
Ganesh
I very much identify with the issues and challenges you outline in this post -- and they are real and effect our lives and work. And, just so you know, your productions at Wesleyan of The Serpent and The Plebeians Rehearse the Uprising are still vivid and meaningful to me over 25 years later. I still think about them, gain meaning from them, and even talk about them. Heavens! You were practically a child! and, as you said, had no ego of that helpful variety -- still, you created incredible work that made a difference. Just so you know.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Kelly - I really wish I could give You space rent-free in my head instead of the Constant Critical Companion.
ReplyDeleteAnd on another note, I'm teaching acting at Hunter starting late January...so I will be right in your hood on Mondays and Wednesdays evenings...so maybe we can actually See each other or something radical like that.
And 'Ganesh' - I don't think ego has ever been your problem...I'll rent some of yours, k?