Am doing the holiday at my parents' place in Maine melt into non-specific goo thing...it's sad as I knew it would be because my husband is not here and there are other family memories that come up when tree decorations that go back many years come out of the box.
On the other hand, last year my step-father Tom was very ill and so Christmas, while meaningful, was also very sad and kind of scary. This year that is not what is happening, so while I have loss in one sense, it is not that kind of loss for which I am grateful.
I'm watching Christmas episodes of Frasier now - in between writing this. Our tree is now decorated with the usual mix of ornaments from 100-5 years ago. My parents are in bed and I'm about to go upstairs and read. I come up here thinking I will find time to work on things but then end up in this haze, especially around Christmas.
I think that just kinda has to be OK, though. Today did some errands with my mother, which was pleasant. In places like Maine, though, I feel the fact I can't drive. I'm so used to cities and such, I'm not used to the feeling of being stranded unless someone drives me. Note to self: re-learn to drive.
I am though OK, that much I know. Was feeling badly but then talking with my mother found myself saying: you know, I'm really OK. And I am. And this is the constant amazement - for all the loss and things I want to do that haven't gotten done, etc., at depth I feel deeply OK. Like the opposite of falling apart.
There is a really weird ad on TV for Marc Jacobs - a designer I presume? Then an ad for exposure to asbestos law suits. Late night TV is weird. (OK, you really needed me to tell you that, I know, I know...)
It's also odd watching a TV show go through its seasons through Christmas specials.
I'm noticing now some of the really weird stuff about American culture, that I kind of knew before but having lived out of the country for long is now so blatant, like, for instance most all TV shows are cop shows or some form of crime fighting thing. The subtle or not-so-subtle message now is that forms of violence for the 'right reason' is OK in pursuit of so-called justice. This has shifted somewhat in recent years in that now torture is OK and there are more women who are cops and detectives, not just secretaries or assistants. The groups of cops/lawyers/detectives are generally multi-racial. But there is a basic line of law enforcement: good (except for corrupt ones) and everyone else: either naive or bad. The truth is out there and one of these people will find it.
In other words, all the humanity is on the side of the cops/detectives. When I was very young, I remember TV shows like 'It Takes a Thief' with Robert Wagner, which was a thief's POV. I had a weird attraction to this show, but for the life of me I can't remember why...but I did. I ate dinner in the living room to watch it. There were movies like Bonnie and Clyde and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Even the Godfather films were from criminal POV. Now it's all about the cops. The difference in the culture between the 1970s and now. We are now inflicted with post-9/11 TV. Of course this was the trend anyway, but now it's a solid. Get behind the law, trust it and know It's All For Your Own Good. Scary, right? Right?!
OK but true confessions: I do like the show Frasier, which follows a divorced psychiatrist who has a radio show, in case you, like me, didn't know that until recently, even though the show ran for years and has been re-running for even more years. At least it's not a cop show. It's silly but enjoyable for someone like me right now...for perhaps obvious reasons...
Well I hope you enjoy the holidays, whichever ones you celebrate. I think the biggest lesson for me this year and what this season can be about at its best is simple: go where the love is and stop chasing it or demanding it be or pretending it is where it's not. Sounds simple, right? It hasn't been for me. If it has been for you, I commend you. If it hasn't been easy for you, I understand. Here's hoping it's that kind of year for us all.
Welcome to my blog..
"We struggle with dream figures and our blows fall on living faces." Maurice Merleau-Ponty
I am now transitioning into being married again with a new surname (Barclay-Morton). John is transitioning from Canada to NYC and as of June 2014 has a green card. So transition continues, but now from sad to happy, from loss to love...from a sense of alienation to a sense of being at home in the world.
As of September 2013 I started teaching writing as an adjunct professor at Fordham University, which I have discovered I love with an almost irrational passion. While was blessed for the opportunity, after four years of being an adjunct, the lack of pay combined with heavy work load stopped working, so have transferred this teaching passion to private workshops in NYC and working with writers one on one, which I adore. I will die a happy person if I never have to grade an assignment ever again. As of 2018, I also started leading writing retreats to my beloved Orkney Islands. If you ever want two weeks that will restore your soul and give you time and space to write, get in touch. I am leading two retreats this year in July and September.
I worked full time on the book thanks to a successful crowd-funding campaign in May 2014 and completed it at two residencies at Vermont Studio Center and Wisdom House in summer 2015. I have done some revisions and am shopping it around to agents and publishers now, along with a new book recently completed.
I now work full-time as a freelance writer, writing workshop leader, coach, editor and writing retreat leader. Contact me if you are interested in any of these services.
Not sure when transition ends, if it ever does. As the saying goes, the only difference between a sad ending and a happy ending is where you stop rolling the film.
For professional information, publications, etc., go to my linked in profile and website for Barclay Morton Editorial & Design. My Twitter account is @wilhelminapitfa. You can find me on Facebook under my full name Julia Lee Barclay-Morton. More about my grandmothers' book: The Amazing True Imaginary Autobiography of Dick & Jani
In 2017, I launched a website Our Grandmothers, Our Selves, which has stories about many people's grandmothers. Please check it out. You can also contact me through that site.
In May, I directed my newest play, On the edge of/a cure, and have finally updated my publications list, which now includes an award-winning chapbook of my short-story White shoe lady, which you can find on the sidebar. I also have become a certified yoga instructor in the Kripalu lineage. What a year!
And FINALLY, I have created a website, which I hope you will visit, The Unadapted Ones. I will keep this blog site up, since it is a record of over 8 years of my life, but will eventually be blogging more at the website, so if you want to know what I am up to with my writing, teaching, retreats and so on, the site is the place to check (and to subscribe for updates). After eight years I realized, no, I'm never turning into One Thing. So The Unadapted Ones embraces the multiplicity that comprises whomever I am, which seems to always be shifting. That may in fact be reality for everyone, but will speak for myself here. So, do visit there and thanks for coming here, too. Glad to meet you on the journey...
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