The New Victorians (or: Blame Canada)

As I attempt to write this post, which is about - wait for it - being happy and falling in love (!) after a long, long time of grieving and loss, I am wondering if blogs are designed for this.  Perhaps they are meant more for either intellectual/artistic pursuits, specific interests or - well - painful/difficult journeys.

Well, perhaps at least I can focus on the New Victorian aspect: namely, that I am engaged in a courtship on Skype and email with John (the brilliant Canadian heretofore mentioned in my previous blog post).  I now have a very, very special place in my heart for Skype, by the way.  Because while not ideal, it is possible to get to know someone in a way email or phone without video would be impossible.  Oh and also Canada, just because John comes from there.  Yes, I'm that far gone: blame Canada.

New Victorian because this courtship has been based, initially, on ideas (a love of photography and post-structuralism), followed by gradually realizing there may be more ways of connecting beyond that, then "seeing" one another on Skype and engaging in endless and free-ranging discussions that move between all aspects of getting to know each other, sharing more than either of us could have ever imagined possible with one other person in terms of ideas, feelings, life-long projects, modes of being and so much more.  If I go on, I imagine it will make people somewhat nauseous, so will restrain myself.

As some of you who have been reading this blog for a while know, I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor and so the physical aspect of my romantic relationships has been colored by that in many and complex ways, but issues of trust loom large.  So, this enforced extended - non-physical - courtship has provided us with a platform to get to know each other, with growing attraction, but without jumping to this part of a romantic relationship.  Because I frankly don't think I would have the self-discipline to do this on my own, it feels like an (albeit at times deeply frustrating) gift.

John will be visiting me at the end of January, and for the first time we will be in the same room.  This is because he needed to reactivate his passport.  This delay I could do without, but believe it will continue to give us time to build a foundation of growing trust and just getting to know each other, which when you are in the middle of life means filling the other person in on A Lot.

There's a lot more to say than that, but because it feels so new and personal and kind of astonishingly beautiful, I don't want to say much more, afraid that I will somehow devalue this experience by over-describing it.  I am aware that I am so much more reticent to share joy than grief, but please understand: this is such a new experience I am still wrapping my mind and heart around it.  It does feel though like an enormous gift, bigger than I could have expected.  In fact, it is the last thing I did expect.

There is one more thing, though, which is that falling love at 49 and 52 is very different than when you are younger.  At the middle of life, you know what you want and you know a lot about yourself and the mistakes you've made.  It becomes very obvious if the right person comes along, it is shockingly uncomplicated.  My older friends and family who have experienced just this understand my experience more than my younger friends who seem a bit taken aback by the whole thing.  There is also instant karma here, because I was so distrustful of how quickly my mother and Tom came together at the wise old age of 17…so here I am, of course, having a similar experience.  Not in the same way on many levels, but still.  Beware any teenagers what you judge now, lest you become it later on…!

In the meantime, you will be glad to know, I have gone to work, taught my students, been gradually organizing my office for writing - after having printed out the draft of what I have written of the grandmother book, as I follow the next steps on the grandmother book and other projects.  I look forward to sharing more about all this with you in future blog posts, but for now figured I'd change it up a little and share the love…

Oh and hooray, it's the Winter Solstice!  Despite made-up Mayan predictions about the end of the world (which the Mayans don't believe, btw), we're still alive!  Once again the end-of-the-worlders have to go find another date on which to fixate their twisted death wish for the planet.  Sorry kids.  We're still here!