The last couple of days I have begun to type up the work on the Dick & Jani project from my notebooks. Of course, this means I am editing and rewriting, so have only made it through a few pages, but that's OK. It's a relief to begin to see what I have written over the course of the year. Today, after meditation, it was the first thing I did. This feels so right, even though I am of course wildly self-critical about what I have written and all the usual self-doubt stuff that goes with writing. I can't believe I didn't think of typing up what I have already written before, but perhaps because I am now not sick after a month of being sick, more seems possible.
The other reason this writing is important is that I am waiting to hear back from a residency I applied for to work on this project. I did not want that decision to play a part in whether I continue with this writing or not. Professionally is another way I can get way too caught up in others' opinions, the positive just as much as the negative. I can get swayed way too much, no matter how much I say otherwise. It nestles somewhere at the base of my skull and worms its way subtly into my decision making, never announcing itself directly but more like a CIA double agent...nonetheless it can have an effect, especially if I get caught up in waiting for an external decision.
I did the work for my acting class and had an interesting class bringing in exercises loosely based on Kristin Linklater voice work via two actor friends. What I did not realize until today is that (a) she was born in the Orkney Islands (my favorite place on the planet) and (b) she taught The Open Theater back in the day, which was probably soon after she arrived in NYC in 1963. I have given the students Chaikin's Presence of the Actor to read so all this full circle stuff is making me happy.
What I love about my Hunter students is that they can spend well over an hour working on relaxation exercises of various kinds, taking it on faith that this will help their voice, which it does and did. They may giggle through certain exercises and gain and lose focus, but they try. I am amazed each day how little resistance there is to these various ways of working, which are in many cases quite sophisticated and not the most direct route from point a to b. It feels like such a privilege to teach them and to be given that trust.
Today walking across Central Park because of the change in time there was sun - hooray - not to mention many crocuses and daffodils and a sweet, sweet smell. I know this is probably way too early for it to be this warm, but true confession: I love it. Maybe because I've been in London for 8 years where spring begins in February, it doesn't seem too early to me.
I may have written this before but I am struck these days by how sensitive I am now to seasonal change. Others who are my age and older agree that as you get older for some reason you feel it more. Is it because we are old enough to realize there will not be infinite springs? This is only my 49th spring and I would be incredibly lucky to experience that many more. This is a limited time offer. Mortality, especially after you lose a parent is more visceral, too, so perhaps all of this growth out of death, which leads to fruition, then going out in a blaze of color to death again bit also has more resonance.
Whatever the reason, I am happy to be experiencing it, noticing it and being glad for it. I find my dread of the spring is diminishing. It may return, I don't know. I am glad today that I am enjoying it.
Having the writing to go to when I get up makes me happy to get up. I am not as anxious. I also don't feel as overwhelmed. This must have something to do with the meditation I am doing. I am grateful that after years of doing meditation in a way that was OK but not as disciplined that I find myself teachable again. It's as if I was cutting tomatoes with a dull knife that has recently been sharpened.
Here's hoping this trend continues, though I hesitate to say even that lest I somehow tempt fate.
Welcome to my blog..
"We struggle with dream figures and our blows fall on living faces." Maurice Merleau-Ponty
I am now transitioning into being married again with a new surname (Barclay-Morton). John is transitioning from Canada to NYC and as of June 2014 has a green card. So transition continues, but now from sad to happy, from loss to love...from a sense of alienation to a sense of being at home in the world.
As of September 2013 I started teaching writing as an adjunct professor at Fordham University, which I have discovered I love with an almost irrational passion. While was blessed for the opportunity, after four years of being an adjunct, the lack of pay combined with heavy work load stopped working, so have transferred this teaching passion to private workshops in NYC and working with writers one on one, which I adore. I will die a happy person if I never have to grade an assignment ever again. As of 2018, I also started leading writing retreats to my beloved Orkney Islands. If you ever want two weeks that will restore your soul and give you time and space to write, get in touch. I am leading two retreats this year in July and September.
I worked full time on the book thanks to a successful crowd-funding campaign in May 2014 and completed it at two residencies at Vermont Studio Center and Wisdom House in summer 2015. I have done some revisions and am shopping it around to agents and publishers now, along with a new book recently completed.
I now work full-time as a freelance writer, writing workshop leader, coach, editor and writing retreat leader. Contact me if you are interested in any of these services.
Not sure when transition ends, if it ever does. As the saying goes, the only difference between a sad ending and a happy ending is where you stop rolling the film.
For professional information, publications, etc., go to my linked in profile and website for Barclay Morton Editorial & Design. My Twitter account is @wilhelminapitfa. You can find me on Facebook under my full name Julia Lee Barclay-Morton. More about my grandmothers' book: The Amazing True Imaginary Autobiography of Dick & Jani
In 2017, I launched a website Our Grandmothers, Our Selves, which has stories about many people's grandmothers. Please check it out. You can also contact me through that site.
In May, I directed my newest play, On the edge of/a cure, and have finally updated my publications list, which now includes an award-winning chapbook of my short-story White shoe lady, which you can find on the sidebar. I also have become a certified yoga instructor in the Kripalu lineage. What a year!
And FINALLY, I have created a website, which I hope you will visit, The Unadapted Ones. I will keep this blog site up, since it is a record of over 8 years of my life, but will eventually be blogging more at the website, so if you want to know what I am up to with my writing, teaching, retreats and so on, the site is the place to check (and to subscribe for updates). After eight years I realized, no, I'm never turning into One Thing. So The Unadapted Ones embraces the multiplicity that comprises whomever I am, which seems to always be shifting. That may in fact be reality for everyone, but will speak for myself here. So, do visit there and thanks for coming here, too. Glad to meet you on the journey...
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