A quarter century lived by grace

Or as Raymond Carver said in a poem about his life after drinking and drugs: all the rest is gravy.

So in these past 25 years of gravy, given to me by the grace of what I usually call something along the lines of God or Higher Power or That Thing That's Way Bigger Than Me That I Totally Don't Understand But Somehow Seems to Have Saved My Life (hence the use of the word: God...or God/dess depending on how gender-specific I feel I need to be that day...)...and which also takes the form of lots of human beings who have found a way, like me, to not keep killing themselves with alcohol or drugs...and in whom I believe resides this God business...

In these past 25 years, I have done a lot.  And I've decided to break it down today into sheer numbers and lists, perhaps in oblique honor of Georges Perec who liked to do such things (though with considerably more panache than I'm about to...).

So here goes:

Lived in 3 cities in 2 countries (lived on Pacific, then both sides of the Atlantic).

Rented 15 apartments/flats.

Visited and worked as an artist, performing/writing/teaching, in at least 14 countries.

Founded and ran two theater companies: in NYC (1994-1998) and in London (2004-2011).

8 plays published (3 in anthologies).

All plays produced in multiple venues, directed many of them, though not all.  Some have won awards, fellowships, grants.  Some have been written about in major journals.

Directed plays by 6 other writers and at least 4 created by groups.

Performed in three solo multi-media performances, two of which were commissioned, one of which was published.

Taught as professor/lecturer at 6 universities/colleges in 2 countries.

Taught drama at one high-school and two high-school summer programs.

Led labs from 1997-2001 in NYC and 2004-2011 in London to create new theater techniques with artists from at least 8 countries.

Led workshops in these theater techniques in at least 14 universities, 6 international conferences and 6 professional venues.

Awarded fellowship to do a PhD in 1987 in US and fled after 3 weeks.  Awarded another fellowship in 2004 in UK and did complete in 2010 (miracle).

Given papers and presentations at 12 international academic conferences.

Been married twice, currently separated.

Was present at last breath of my father and was present for the dying days though not the death of a family friend who was more like family than much of my family.

Been pregnant twice, neither carried to term.  No children.

Flower girl at one friend's wedding.  A reader at another friend's wedding.

A reader at too many funerals.  Every gay man I knew in the 1970s, aside from my step-father David, died of AIDS (except for one who died of cancer).

Taken thousands of photos everywhere I have traveled.

Watched many shows in many cities, theater, performance art, dance - some amazing, most not so much.  Gone to galleries and museums in many countries.  Seen cinema from all over the world.  Listened to countless hours of WNYC and BBC news, music and talk shows.  Sometimes, even, watch TV.  Watched multiple seasons of Yankees and Knicks games.

Written innumerable words, which comprise at least 3 unpublished novels, none of which are entirely complete.  Have projects sitting on multiple burners.  Deep frustration about this.

Written innumerable journals and two blogs, one private, one public.

Spent countless hours in church basements listening to others talk about how not to act on the compulsion to drink or do drugs, and even more importantly, how to live.  Sometimes, I speak, too.

Been on boats in oceans and seas, including The Atlantic, Pacific, Adriatic, Mediterranean, Arctic Circle, seen icebergs being born and floating out of Disco Bay...seen colors of green I didn't know existed in the Orkney Islands and watched huge orange balls of sun set over the Hudson...heard silence in the midst of traffic in NYC and the sound of feet sound like a symphony at a subway intersection, watched the Thames roll along beneath what the Kinks called a Waterloo sunset, seen startling amounts of stars in clear skies, walked hundreds of miles of sea cliffs, beaches and hiking trails, seen hundreds of baby birds on a cliff face, heard the whistling sound of raven wings when alone on the ice in Greenland.

Spent many hours on planes, buses and trains.  Relatively few in cars, because I don't drive.

Had transcendent moments in theaters, watching actors do amazing things that only actors can do and had many not transcendent moments in theaters wishing I was anywhere else.  As Rauschenberg said "You can't have risk without risk."

Written a lot of poems, though far fewer than when I drank.

Filled up pads with drawings and some paintings.

Spent thousands of hours on the phone with friends and family sometimes connecting, sometimes avoiding, sometimes helping, sometimes hurting.

Short prose writing published, some academic.

Worked 12 years as a legal secretary, which necessitated learning reluctantly to type on a computer.

Written many grant proposals and applications, some of which resulted in funding/project commissions.

Innumerable lab showings, collaborations and strange little projects that pop up in the oddest places.

Adopted 4 cats - 3 of whom circa 1990 all died old, 1 of whom is young, adopted in 2011.

Have had the love of many wonderful friends, and no I can't count.

4 yoga retreats.

1 meditation retreat.

16-17 years of daily meditation practice.

10 years in total of therapy.

One life-changing spiritual experience that made me know that no matter how much I want to intellectualize it, there is a God and I got to see It even if for only a few seconds.  That's why I'm still sober today.  That was a gift.

***

So, here it is, the life that I could have easily lost many years ago...so far.  I hope and pray for many, many more years, because I am a really slow learner.  There is so much more I want to experience and do.  For instance:

Complete and publish at least one of my multiple not quite finished book projects before giving up and starting yet another one.

Find a relationship that works after I am truly OK with myself, so I will then finally know how to give and receive love (this is the one that seems like the way harder one right now...)

Keep meditating

Do more yoga

Start my own theater school.

Figure out my new camera, which scares me irrationally.  And in general not get so scared about things that come with a user's manual and take more than 2 minutes to figure out.

Finally finish unpacking and stop moving.

Give up the idea of finding home so I can accept wherever I am.

Be more effortlessly giving for no other reason than to be generous.

Be less concerned that I "get mine."

Stop comparing myself to others.

Stop being angry at people who are more successful than me.

Remember all the things I have to be grateful for rather than dwell on things I don't have.

Love more.  Love more.  Love more.

Live.  Dance.  Breathe.

***

Thank you all my lovely friends and family for lifting me through some very dark times of late.  Thank you God/dess for revealing yourself to me when I'm about to give up.  Without You I'm nothing....

Let's dance.