Had a hard time sleeping last night, just made it to yoga and forgot to meditate in the morning (very rare). Finished taxes - finally - then could not get through to one of the government offices I need to speak with by Sunday - annoyingly, they keep you on the line with endless recorded messages, then tell you after that that the lines are not available. Rinse. Repeat. So gave up and hope to call early enough tomorrow that the whole world isn't calling them at the same time.
Excited still about the possible independent researcher collective that seems to be brewing away quite quickly. But when doing taxes again felt very sad and back into the crying sessions again. Something about having to say my marital status is 'separated' and the finality of how it looks on paper - whether it is or isn't, it sure seems like it dealing with this stuff. No matter if it's a good or bad thing in the end, I just feel bereft in these moments.
Yoga was a welcome relief as was meeting with some friends in the evening, but I came home early as I am exhausted from the not sleeping routine. Also from having the obligatory paperwork conversations with my husband wherein we discuss how to tell what bodies about our separation, how to prove it, etc. This is beyond depressing, as you can no doubt imagine and/or have experienced - and if so, my condolences.
The weather was beautiful here today, but feeling drawn to the West Coast of US again, would love to fly out and see my friend Veronica (from high school and college, amazingly enough) who offered her place for me to stay, not sure how to work that into everything, but feel a need to do that, too - an oddly strong urge, which surprises me, but ever since being in Sacramento for my father's death and seeing again the astonishing California landscape, the bug is on me...the Pacific bug I suppose. And I think of myself as such an Atlantic girl that this is surprising.
Just in case you don't know what I mean by California landscape, below are some of my pix from one walk I took near Sacramento along the American River back in January 2010 with the lovely Teresa and her friends...to give you an idea....and sweet dreams...
Welcome to my blog..
"We struggle with dream figures and our blows fall on living faces." Maurice Merleau-Ponty
When I started this blog in 2011, I was in a time of transition in my life between many identities - that of Artistic Director of a company (Apocryphal Theatre) to independent writer/director/artist/teacher and also between family identity, as I discover a new family that my grandfather's name change at the request of his boss in WWII hid from view - a huge Hungarian-Slovak contingent I met in 2011. Please note in light of this the irony of the name of my recently-disbanded theatre company. This particular transition probably began in the one month period (Dec. 9, 2009-Jan. 7, 2010) in which I received a PhD, my 20 year old cat died on my father's birthday and then my father, who I barely knew, died too. I was with him when he died and nothing has been the same since. This blog is tracing the more conscious elements of this journey and attempt to fill in the blanks. I'm also writing a book about my grandmothers that features too. I'd be delighted if you joined me. (Please note if you are joining mid-route, that I assume knowledge of earlier posts in later posts, so it may be better to start at the beginning for the all singing, all dancing fun-fair ride.) In October 2011, I moved back NYC after living in London for 8 years and separated from my now ex-husband, which means unless you want your life upended entirely don't start a blog called Somewhere in Transition. In November 2011, I adopted a rescue cat named Ugo. He is lovely. As of January 2012, I began teaching an acting class at Hunter College, which is where one of my grandmothers received a scholarship to study acting, but her parents would not let her go. All things come round…I began to think it may be time to stop thinking of my life in transition when in June 2012 my stepfather Tom suddenly died. Now back in the U.S. for a bit, I notice, too, my writing is more overtly political, no longer concerned about being an expat opining about a country not my own. I moved to my own apartment in August 2012 and am a very happy resident of Inwood on the top tip of Manhattan where the skunks and the egrets roam in the last old growth forest on the island.
I am now transitioning into being married again with a new surname (Barclay-Morton). John is transitioning from Canada to NYC and as of June 2014 has a green card. So transition continues, but now from sad to happy, from loss to love...from a sense of alienation to a sense of being at home in the world.
As of September 2013 I started teaching writing (composition and rhetoric) as an adjunct professor at Fordham University, which I have discovered I love with an almost irrational passion. While felt blessed for the opportunity, after four years of this, the lack of pay combined with heavy work load stopped working, so have transferred this teaching passion to private workshops in my own apartment and working with writers one on one, which I adore. I will die a happy person if I never have to grade an assignment ever again.
I worked full time on the book thanks to a successful crowd-funding campaign in May 2014 and completed it at two residencies at Vermont Studio Center and Wisdom House in summer 2015. I have done some revisions and am shopping it around to agents and publishers now, along with a new book recently completed.
I am now working full-time as a freelance writer, writing workshop leader, coach, and editor. Contact me if you are interested in any of these services.
Not sure when transition ends, if it ever does. As the saying goes, the only difference between a sad ending and a happy ending is where you stop rolling the film.
For professional information, publications, etc., go to my linked in profile and website for Barclay Morton Editorial & Design. My Twitter account is @wilhelminapitfa. You can find me on Facebook under my full name Julia Lee Barclay-Morton. More about my grandmothers' book: The Amazing True Imaginary Autobiography of Dick & Jani
Recently, I started a website Our Grandmothers, Our Selves, which has stories about many people's grandmothers. Please check it out. I will be blogging there, too, now. You can also contact me through that site.