what happened to this day?

Do you ever have those days that just seem to get lost?  I had one of those today.  I think what I did was look for a place to live mostly on the internet, felt discouraged and didn't really move forward there.  But didn't do anything else I needed to do except get my hair done and went to meet with friends for sanity's sake.  I got incredibly wet in a downpour.  I came back home and wondered: what happened to this day?

Those days, these days, seem to get eaten alive by the internet mostly.  But I end up feeling anxious rather than relaxed when I realize a day has been spent doing Something but I am not entirely sure what, because nothing is there to show for it.

I could not focus on writing because became overwhelmed with anxiety about where to live, but can't seem to find a way to make that work right now either.  I know I need to do fun things like taxes and feel a physical repulsion thereto...I think we have a word for this and that would be: procrastination...laziness with more syllables.

But I do remember now what started my confusion - I walked out into our/my lovely garden and it made me cry, realizing I would lose it soon...and that sent me off into a whirl of sadness.  I then meditated and thought I should just leave the house and try to find a new place, but instead decided otherwise because I flipped a coin - seriously - and that gave me a different direction.  Sometimes when confused about actions or motives, I make amazing amounts of decisions by flipping coins.  Not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but it is true and kind of embarrassing to admit.  It at least gives me a barometer of my confusion.

So, obviously the clarity I was feeling yesterday has evaporated.  I guess this is normal considering everything going on and the levels of grieving I'm experiencing....but I hate it.  I really, really hate it.

Here's hoping tomorrow brings me a little more sense of direction or at least a way to relax into the lack of clarity if that's necessary.  Right now I feel like a little girl being turned around blindfolded before trying to pin the tail on the donkey at someone else's birthday party.

Wish I had something more brilliant than that to say, but the fact is I don't.  My hair looks good though...

Oh, that reminds me that when waiting for my hair to bake into the proper color, I was reading those horrendous 'women's' magazines and realized there is a consistent theme to the self-help and dime-store psychology of the articles: look at yourself, but not Too deeply.  There is a kind of implicit panic at the idea of anything which may require work or lead to any extended period of sadness.  And I think when reading this no wonder everyone and their brother takes anti-depressants or drinks too much or whatever - there's this unremitting pressure to be 'ok' and 'happy' and I find that deeply annoying.  As if there is some narrow field in which we are all meant to operate that is as interesting in shape as a cut-out paper doll.  Which, if you are a fashion magazine, is kind of perfect come to think of it.

May I just take a moment to advocate therefore for: intensive therapy when it's necessary, allowing yourself time to grieve any loss, and feel the intense joy of being alive when that process has happened, allowing yourself to feel every tiny inch of yourself, the light and dark and everything in between and accepting it no matter how seemingly icky or big or small or weird....and knowing that no matter how cutesy a little paper doll version of yourself may be, it's going to be boring and ultimately replaceable...unlike what really makes up you who are precious and irreplaceable.

This reminds me of a story recounted at a good friend's memorial service, and apologies if I've already mentioned it earlier, that Martin Buber tells about a Rabbi Zusya who when he is near death realizes that when he meets God, he will not be asked "Why were you not more like Moses?" but instead "Why were you not more like Zusya?"

Which is of course another version of the African prayer:  It is.  Thank you.

So I suppose I need to accept myself in the confused state I exist in now and this day as a vague one and trust that it is all OK.  I feel the sadness underneath everything right now.  I want clarity to take it away I think.  On the other hand, I don't want to just live in a film of fuzz either....

We shall see what tomorrow brings....in the meantime, thanks for reading and listening.